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Today |
.In an incredible twist of good fortune, my Dad found a five-dollar bill yesterday in a gutter on the side of a road. However, I became the beneficiary of his happenchance bit of luck because, well, he gave me the five bucks. What’s Lincoln looking at, anyway? He looks like he’s watching “The King of Queens.” Or the mid-1800s “King of Queens” equivalent.
Without giving it a second look, the bill went right into my wallet. After working on homework for a bit that evening, I got a hankering for the following: (1) Coca-Cola (2) a Hershey’s chocolate bar (3) and a 19th Century Cockney prostitute. The 7-11 had two out of three of the items. Thus, on the counter, I set the Coke and candy (but not the Cockney) and presented the clerk with the gutter money. “What. In. The. Hell. Is. This?” asked my new Arabian friend. He smelled of body odor and spices from a far-away land. I glanced down at the cash I just handed him and realized that I’d just tried to pass off a forgery of an actual five-dollar bill. Of this, I have no doubt. Whoops. Nevertheless… “Uh, it’s money,” I lied. First of all, the bill was about four shades lighter than that nice dark green color most reputable proprietors are accustomed to. And though it wasn’t quite Monopoly money, it was lacking by at least half an inch in its dimensions.
I had to admit it was a knock off … and not even a good knock off. Somebody had xeroxed that motherfucker. “Uh, is that not real money?” I asked … rhetorically. “Fuck, I dunno,” the clerk replied. “Aw, fuck it. Here’s your change, man.” So there you have it. I successfully passed off counterfeit money. Good for me … bad for the system. (The author would like to stress that the above account was a dream he had, and in no way tried to produce or distribute counterfeit money … because that would be a felony … which is bad, I hear.) Go see Elf.
It's insane, this guys taint - 2004-12-07 |