Today
2003-07-01
11:27 p.m.
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Who Liked Woodrow Wilson?
Yes yes, hello. Hello again everyone. How you doin'? You look great seriously.
With Independence Day is coming up, I thought it might be a good idea to share some ways to celebrate our nation's birthday in new, inventive ways. How long have we been a country, anyway? Not long enough
Televise the lesbian wedding of those two chicks on the Supreme Court.
Statewide orgies.
The first American to dig up John Quincy Addams' corpse wins the cure for AIDS.
Clone and/or reanimate each of the nation's presidents so they can duke it out in a no holds bar slug fest to determine the all time best president. Presidents who are still alive will fight a cloned mid-20s version of themselves before entering the final Round Robin Sorry Ronald Reagan!! I predict the final match will include a young Rail-Splitting Abe Lincoln against James "Knox" Polk at his peak Mexican-slaughtering condition.
Reintroduce Prohibition except instead of banning liquor we make drinking Fresca illegal. While we're at it, lets include Clamato and Royal Crown Cola I've had a beef with those "beverages" for years.
An old fashioned raccoon hunt!
Fuck it. Let's recall EVERY state governor and replace them with Republican celebrities from Austria. Watch out Dirk Kempthorne, silent film star Heidi Lamarr's has set her sights on Idaho in 2004! Guess we'll have to reanimate her, too
"I DA ho, bitch"
Add a hip-hop flare to our national anthem's lyrics you know, for the kids.
Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light, WHAT!
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? ...UNGH!
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight WHAT!
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? UNGH!
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air WHAT!
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there WHAT
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave UNGH!
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? ... BEE YOTCH!
More beverages we can ban under the new prohibition include Mountain Dew Code Red, Vanilla Coke, and juice.
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