.

Sunday afternoon television is the best.

VH1 did a special on the Olsen Twins and how they've managed to amass more wealth than God. I can't wait for those two to turn 18. Then I can, well, uh, keep on fantasizing about them.

It'll be better though … cuz they'll be legal …

…right?

ESPN 2 covered the Profession Women's Bowling Association's (PWBA) semi-finals. I caught the match between Tish Johnson and Carolyn Dorin-Ballard who, by the way, is the official High School Bowling spokeswoman.

Hey kids, listen to professional woman bowler Carolyn Dorin-Ballard and don't sniff glue!

"I know what boys like"

"dated"

In one of the trademark ESPN video montages, each female bowler gave an example of a sport besides bowling they participated in. Half of these mulleted temptresses responded softball, and the other half responded golf

Are we too surprised? Nah, I didn't think so…

"Yeah, I really enjoy softball. I mean, if I wasn't a pin-jockey, then I'd definitely be out there on the old softball diamond. I'm a fan of the wind-up fast pitch, not that underhand shit … that shit's for pussies … which reminds me … is munching box a sport? Because I really like doing that too … I'd definitely have to say cunnilingus is one of my pastimes…"

MTV's cult hit "Made" followed the trials and tribulations of a high school sophomore trying to make it on the beauty pageant circuit. This girl was ugly, man. Shee-it. She had a Leno-like chin, two lazy eyes, and a set of teeth like a British prostitute.

Why is it that every person on "Made" wants to attain something completely out of their reach? They get quadriplegics wanting to dance ballet. I saw one with a fat, acne-scarred girl audition for the cheerleading squad.

If I was on that show, I'd set my standards low.

For example … Instead of playing lead guitar for Aerosmith, I could audition to play bass for Staind.

It's sound advice, I think, because most of the people on this show fail miserably. The morale of the story … never expect too much then you'll never be disappointed!

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It's Cold Here In Limbo - 2004-02-08
Blasphemous Piddlings - 2003-12-21