.

First off, this is a list of mellow songs everyone should have…

Bone Down and Burn Da Ganja Songs

1. "Warm Love" by Van Morrison

2. "Take A Walk On The Wild Side" by Lou Reed

3. "Waiting For Bud" by Sublime

4. "Someday Never Comes" by Creedence Clearwater Revival

5. "Bright Eyes" by Jason Mraz

6. "It's All Understood" by Jack Johnson

7. "A Kiss To Build A Dream On" by Louis Armstrong

8. "I See A Darkness" by Johnny Cash featuring Will Oldham

9. "Butterfly" by Weezer

10. "Africa" by Toto

11. "Where Is My Mind" by The Pixies

12. "Like It Like That" by A Tribe Called Quest

13. "By My Side" by Ben Harper

14. "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

15. "Sound Check" by The Gorillaz

What a fan-fucking-tastic day off I had today. We spent the afternoon at the beach in Santa Barbara.

Last night I retired around 11pm and ended up sleeping until about 10:30 this morning. That's ten and one half hours of a near comatose state in which I had the pleasure of participating. Sweet, sweet sleepy deliciousness.

Dear God: Thanks for the Grand Canyon and sleeping.

Last night's Fear Factor kicked ass. The gross-out stunt nearly made me empty the contents of my own stomach. The highly unoriginal and/or boring contestants had to consume the following: soft-boiled duck fetuses, liquefied pig liver, and silk worm larvae SOAKING IN BRINE… nasty.

We had absolutely beautiful weather here today. The drive down to Santa Barbara was quick. We got to the beach at about 1:30 and commenced beachy relaxation.

Man oh man, there was this HUGE girl lounging a few yards away from us on the sand. I don't think she moved the whole two and a half hours we were there. It's almost as if the tide had deposited a dead whale carcass on the shore sometime during night…

… a dead whale carcass wearing a two piece string bikini.

Seriously girls, if you're pushing two dollars, then do everyone a favor and wedge yourself into a one-piece swimsuit … or a beach muumuu … if there is such a thing.

No money for muumuu? That's cool, just gut a dead sperm whale and wear the actual carcass … YOU GODDAMN FAT PIECE OF RENDERED LARD!!!

Yeah, okay … I used to be fat. I was a fat tub of good. That's why I'm so angry.

I was abducted by the North Korean government when I was about 5 and subjected to horrible weight gain experiments. Take a look at this picture of me when I was 11…

I was let out once a day for twenty minutes to graze in the vast Kit Kat fields of Kyonggi Province. During one such outing, I was mistaken for the rare Korean Hairless Rhino and was shot in the neck with a tranquilizer dart. It was only after I was airlifted back to Tonga when the poacher realized I was not a rhino, but a man … A MAN!!!

I made it back to the states, there was a tearful reunion, blah blah blah … I was still a fat tub of goo.

My story of heroism and perseverance captured the hearts of Americans everywhere, and of one American in particular … Jack Lalanne.

I was at a low point in my life. My self-esteem was shot to hell; I couldn’t speak much English, and because puberty was hitting full-force, I had no way to express new-found sexual feelings.

Jack moved in and everything changed. He developed a nutrition and exercise program that helped me melt away over 130 pounds in a little over 27 days.

I learned some important lessons from Jack. For example, I should always be repulsed by the sight my own naked body … not matter what kind of shape I was in. Sexual thoughts were to be repressed by drinking copious amounts of hard liquor and carving Jack's visage into my flesh with shards of glass.

Some may say his methods are extreme … But hey, they worked for me … Just take a look!

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