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Today |
.As the great Homer J. Simpson once proclaimed, booze is “the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” My problem, as you may have guessed from my last entry, is writer’s block. I hate writer’s block. And, it makes me look stupid, and it sure as hell makes YOU look stupid for reading my incomprehensible gibberish. After completing my last entry I became depressed as an unfuckable crack whore. Well, after a few years on this drifting blue marble I like to call “Earth,” I’ve figured out a few ways to lighten my mood after being in a tizzy. Ways to induce an Unfounded Sense of Pride: 1) Beat it … Beat it fucking senseless. Have ointment and/or lubrication close at hand. 2) Hold your breath and spin around in your living room until you pass out. Be sure you hit your head on something. When you wake up, you’ll feel great … though you may not remember your name or your location. 3) My remedy of choice: Consume mass quantities of saltine crackers and booze. As you may have guessed, I’m a big fan of miniature statuary. Check out my collection …
You know that song by Depeche Mode “I Just Can’t Get Enough”? That song describes me perfectly … well, you know, if it were called “I Just Can’t Get Enough, Hummels.” … because I can’t … seriously, give me some Hummels… Anywhoo, we have a Ross’s here in downtown SLO that sells the weirdest shit ever. Ross’s, I’ve found, is a perfect place to find unique statuary. Thursday’s are when I peruse the new inventory … in case you want to, like, I don’t know … come over on Thursday … and, like, go to Ross’s to check out the new stuff… You know, if you want… Well, anyway I’m checking out the weird shit one night and find this. I want it immediately. It’s the funniest shit ever. Who would have the testicular fortitude to craft and sell such a masterpiece, I thought to myself. And masterpiece it is, just look at the quality of the sculpting. I think this statue alone sets the Civil Rights Movement back, like, a gajillion years. For this reason (to save the C.R.M., not hinder it), I knew I must purchase the statue. And purchase I did … for $11.99. It stands proudly on my nightstand, serving as a shining example of traditional family values. Black Family, meet everyone. Everyone, meet the black family.
It's insane, this guys taint - 2004-12-07 |
