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Today |
.Many don’t know I’m actually a columnist for a very high-profile newspaper here on the beautiful Central Coast of California. Yes, yes, people from the area have probably guessed which reputable news source of which I speak … the Mustang Daily, Cal Poly’s own school newspaper. A number of famous reporters have launched their career from the editorial offices of the Daily … Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather, and the irrepressible Connie Chung. You know, come to think of it, I’ve only actually written one bit for the Daily. It was a letter to the editor. Here, give it a read… EVIL SHARK NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH Editor, The other day I watched a special on the great white shark. I couldn’t believe the things this animal was doing. The physical and mental scars great whites impart on attach victims are truly disturbing. The TV also said the great white had been bioengineered by the Nazis, and that they typically vote Libertarian. After watching, I found myself disgusted by the great white shark. And then I started thinking: If, for some reason, I had business in the ocean, and some great white started messing with me, I’d stab him in his beady shark-eye with a rusty knife. Undoubtedly, this would scare him off. I would return to shore, secure a boat and track him down. Upon returning to the mainland with my catch, I would make the shark live in a small tank of weather, put him on display and charge $10 a head. People would come from all over to point at the shark and laugh with scornful ridicule. “Ha ha, look at ole’ Sharky McStabEye,” they’d cackle. Activists would get uppity and say that I was “exploiting” the great white. To them, I say two things… One, the great white shark isn’t one of God’s creations; it was forged in the fires of hell by Satan himself. Try to give a great white a great big hug and you’ll be out an arm and a water-wing. Two, forget about the great white’s sense of compassion. Where compassion is in a normal creature, there’s black goo and spiders in a great white. Rise up! Kill Sharky!!
It's insane, this guys taint - 2004-12-07 |